How Do You Spell Cha-Ching?

As we have previously mentioned, our insurance company (herewith referred to as The Big Prick Corporation) does not cover infertility cycles. Now, seeing as how a 2010 model for a brand new baby is running right around 16K (according to Kelly Blue Book) we over here at Putting the Fun in Infertility have found ourselves in a bit of a pickle. We do not have 16,000 dollars lying around - trust us - we checked. John's been buried ankles deep in the couch for the last two days and I just keep checking and rechecking the change jar that's on top of the fridge. We converged in the dining room last night to combine our bounty and the grand total was a staggering 4.16, a ball of lint and something that resembled an old chip. "Hopeless" isn't really a word that I like to throw around so let me just set it gently down in front of us all to stare at.

Since we moved out here around five years ago, John and I have been "employed" as independent contractors. This means we are both self-employed and unemployed at the very same time. Our lives are a dual dichotomy and I must say that it's very satisfying existing as a riddle. That said, our work has a tendency to be a bit volatile, unsteady and unpredictable, especially during the "worst recession the United States has ever seen since The Great Depression". Don't ask me who I'm quoting, I'm sort of paraphrasing something I either read on the internet or heard on the radio or watched somebody say at some point.

On and on.

The last few months have been a bit of a holding pattern for us. John was recently picked up back over at MGM, which was an ultimate and timely blessing...and yes, I'll say "blessing" as in "gift from God" because it's exactly what I mean. He's been over there for about a month and a half and since the get-go has been waiting to see if the show would pick up for a second season. If it didn't, we would be left to our vices, scouring for change and selling lemonade on the corner. If it DID get picked up, he would be "guaranteed" another 4-6months of consistent work (barring MGM being sold off, closing down or imploding) and we could safely empty our savings account and roll the dice on baby making without worrying about the possibility of going into the poor house.

Well, yesterday the verdict came in.........and......

THUNDERCATS ARE GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you, God! Happy days are here again! We've finally gotten the long awaited green light so, in celebration, John and I jumped around in our living room, hitting each other with pillows all willy-nilly while doing a sort of awkward victory dance......think Elaine from Seinfeld.

I am excited. But also a wee bit nervous. The "reprieve" is over and now I really have to GO through all of this instead of just reading about it from the safety and pain free comfort of my couch.

I feel like we're at the precipice of a gigantic roller coaster and any second it's going to tumble, but for the moment we're just hanging out at the top, staring over the edge, just waiting, praying that the cart doesn't derail and then.........you're off on a ride that leaves you excited and scared and breathless and maybe even screaming.

Here's to the ride! I hope when it's all over I feel like barfing.

What's Behind Door #2

I love insurance companies. They give me something to focus all of my hatred and animosity on. Sometimes I sit in my living room, surrounded by candles, listening to whale music and I concentrate all of my anger into a little ball and I imagine that little ball floating down the street and silently bobbing into the lobby of Insurance Company X and then.......release. The windows explode and the doors blow off the hinges and the roof collapses in on itself and anyone who has ever made a decision based on money and never considered the human factor is killed (not immediately) in the disaster. The people that are employed there only to feed their families but hate their jobs and cry themselves to sleep everynight for the monstrous things they are asked to do don't get killed.......but they do get maimed; broken legs and arms and things and you know what? Their insurance doesn't cover disastrous acts. Afterward I laugh maniacally all by myself. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! And then I make a hot cocoa and watch reruns of Boy Meets World.

Right now you're saying to yourself, "OMG, that was exceptionally violent and more than a touch disturbing." To this I say, "Absolutely true. It has a name and it's called Just Desserts."

Insurance companies and their affiliates are soulless, money gobbling, fat-cat, self involved, gloat-gloating bastards; the enemies of the world.

Our insurance doesn't cover children (IVF). Children, they say, are elective, like having the fat sucked from your ass and injected into your lips. They are a choice (and to this all the abortion doctors say ho-ho-ho!). After paying thousands and thousands of dollars into these companies we say, "We need money for this," and we point to stomach and insurance company says, "We hold onto money. We say big no. We keep it for later".

To these people, having children is something you could live without. The difference between a need and a want. All I can think is that the person who okay'd that clause already has a house full of children they get to go home to every night after telling people like us that our money is no good for that.

The violence is buzzing in my brain again and the bile is rising in my throat and I am pushing it back, trying to get to the funny parts of this.....oh, HERE IT IS!

Okay, so, the cost of one broken condom: .75
The cost of one baby attempt via IVF: $16,000.00 (or the biggest condom you've ever seen).

A hefty chunk of change no matter which way you split it, this much is true. That said, we've taken the opportunity to put things into some perspective. Let us present to you:

THINGS YOU COULD BUY IF YOU DIDN'T TRY TO FRANKENSTEIN YOUR OWN BABY!!!!

$16,000.00 will buy you.....

1 round of IVF (in vitro fertilization) with ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection) OR...........

1 2009 Pontiac Vibe

64 Nintendo Wii systems

78.4 years of a 3 DVD Netflix subscription.

80 Apple iPhones

1,390 movie tickets. This means we could BOTH see a movie EVERY DAY for 1.9 years

2,000 Starbucks visits

4,819 gallons of gas. Geographically we could drive around the WORLD (including oceans) just over 5 times

16,000 Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburgers. Enough to eat 1 cheeseburger a day for 44 years

32,000 games of Miss Pac-man. I could play one game a day for 87.6 years (or until I die)

42,666 cans of delicious Diet Coke. That means Jade could quench her thirst 3 times a day for the next 38.9 years (and she probably will regardless)


Are you as nauseous as we want to be?